9 Reasons to Join a Gym

So as I get back into the swing of going to the gym I am reminded why it is so damn entertaining to go.

1. FNA's (Fat Naked Asians)
Not that I have anything against the Asian race, there just seems to be an unusually large number of elderly Asian people at my gym. I am not sure if it is something in their culture, but they are completely OK walking around the dirty hot locker room naked. Not just like, topless naked - naked naked (that one is for you Abe). They all come out of the water aerobics class that must let out .2 seconds before I typically arrive and strip out of their awesome 1980 Speedo swimsuit and just walk it out. They dry their hair naked, fix their makeup naked and even clip their toenails naked. Yes, I said it. This did actually happen in front of me and I am not sure that is a picture that I will ever get out of my head.

2. Mr Muscle Man
Ok, this one is tricky. This stout little man is probably very strong, but he works out incredibly strange. He will hog a machine for oh, let's say 5 minutes and just does baby reps. The leg press for example, he will jump around for a minute, compose himself and take a seat. He then throws in the pin just under 400lbs. Then he psyches himself up and gets his legs ready. Now is the time that you really expect something amazing to happen. He thrusts that stack high in the air and starts his reps... moving maybe 2 inches. He is practically pulsing 400lbs. And that is it. Now, I only took 1 quarter of weight training in college, but my brain does not find this to be effective at all.

3. Mr Faker
The most entertaining part of any good workout is to watch those that are not actually working out. Sure, he is dressed the part, but have you ever actually seen him lift a weight or jog for a minute or 2? No, he likes to walk around playing the part, but socializing instead. Sometimes I time him to see how long he is actually upstairs without doing a damn thing. That is an expensive way to talk to your friends.

4. Mrs You Are Going Down
Ok, Brownie (Mr. Overly Competitive) this is where you and I see eye to eye. I can't stand it when the person next to me has a higher resistance and incline level than me, or even worse, they have burned more calories than me. Yes, I am that person that peeps over to the machines next to me to see what is up with the person next to me. I will stay on a machine longer than the person next to me kicking their ass at the made up competition in my head. This may be the reason that I am wheezing with a soaking wet shirt. Hmmm. Oh well, I always win.

5. Mr Grunter
This man drives me up the damn tree. Back when I was running all the time, he would inevitibally end up right next to me. He starts off quiet enough, but get him past the 5 minute mark and all hell brakes loose. It starts out as more of a huff, then it becomed more of a groan, then it ends up at a full out grunt. Every time his right, or is it his left, nope, pretty sure it is the right foot hits the ground, this grunt escapes. One day it was so bad that I had to leave. I could not get the music up loud enough. I laughed to myself when I was walking out of the front door of the gym and I could still hear him going strong.

6. Mr Creeper
This one is obviously just there to watch other people work out. He typically show up fully dressed like he just came from work and decided those were good enough clothes to work out in. Then the warmer he gets, he strips them off while walking on the treadmill. He then finishes up his "work out" by sitting in the stretching area. Only, he is not stretching, just watching. He only happened to be in there one time when I was there. But once was enough for me. I walked back there for my end of workout routine - crunches to the musically styling of Lady GaGa and saw him just sitting there. The entire time I was back there I was not sure if he was dead or just perverted. Turns out that he was just a weirdo.

7. Mrs Metallica
There are actually several of these at the gym, mostly older women. But there is one in particular that I love to watch. She isn't there all the time, but when she is - it is a great day. She has those old school headphones that cover your ear and she wears them proudly. I am not sure what it is that she is listening to, but it really pumps her up. Her head is bobbing, she is finger drumming on her handles and she is in the zone. Most times her eyes are closed and she is lip syncing. For anyone who wants to know, trying to ellipticize with your eyes closed is a recipe for disaster, but this white haired diva makes it work!

8. Mr Hot Pants
This guy is extra special to me. He is about oh, 50 and he is looking hard for a date of the male persuasion. He is gray haired, buck toothed and sporting a man thong. I mean, he really has to be. His clingy, and I mean clingy if you catch my drift, cheerleader shorts (that I am not sure I could rock when I was 12) leave no panty lines and very little to the imagination. I really don't need to know if you are circumcised or not. He also is a big fan of the 80's muscle shirts. You know, the ones that show all your ribs as well as your bulging (read: non-existent) biceps. I am not really sure I want to know what kind of guy he is trying to pick up with this ridiculous attire. This man is one of those that you can catch the eye of someone else that had just spotted him and share in a silent high-five. \

9. Mrs "I Don't See You"
This is me. There is nothing worse than working out at a gym half a mile from work. Well, wait, there is something worse - seeing practically the entire office at the gym when you are wheezing like a dog squeaker while "running" (if you can even call it that) on the elliptical. I am really good at spotting people from afar and then suddenly becoming so enthralled in the Dr. Oz talking about poop on Oprah that I just cannot be bothered. Of course, there is that awkward moment when you see the VP of Legal in his baseball cap and shorts while you are so sweaty that your once gray shirt is now black and you actually make eye contact. It is then and only then you have to concede that you have been spotted and give the head nod and smile. Ugh.

And, yes there are only 9 reasons. Get over it.